Before I die…

1. I will have innovated a water wheel that turned the Zambezi Valley into a Garden of Eden.
2. I gave seven billion Bibles to the world.
3. I will be remembered as an example of God’s grace not man’s perfection.
4. When Saddam Hussein was executed a million tyrants-in-waiting rose up to fight for his place of power. When I die I hope I will leave behind a million ambassadors of the Prince of Peace.
5. I had an operation that restored my hearing so I could fully enjoy the Proms.
6. I wrote one song that made the whole world sing.
7. I traveled around the world in a yacht with my wife and children as crew and I got to wear a pirate hat.
8. I laid hands on a sick person and prayed and they recovered.
9. I grew old with my wife, watched my children discover their mission in life, and got to be a weird old Grampa with candy in his pockets.
10. I discovered a non-intrusive procedure to transform the human appendix into a chameleon gland thereby allowing humans to change the color and pattern of their skin at will so that everyone could be as lovely as the Lingamish Hippo.

Now for tagging. Since I was tagged by an African dreamer, I choose to tag five people who are working and dreaming for a better Africa:

1. Victor Kaonga of Malawi
2. Rob Baker of Benin
3. Nora McNamara of Benin
4. HASH, the White African
5. And you, if you dream about Africa

According to the original meme, name your impossible dream and tag a few other people.

Well, this week there’s been a lot of meme fun. Yesterday I mentioned the bullies in the biblioblog schoolyard. Today I want to say a few things about memes as an exercise in group cohesion and peer-to-peer affirmation. I wonder to myself whether blog friends are real relationships. How different is blogging from a pen pal, or to put it negatively, phone sex. In a series on the “New Nomads” in the Economist, there is a lot of interesting discussion about how we manage our virtual and real existences.

A blogger will never visit you when you’re sick. Or bring you tea in bed. There is a certain accountability to real flesh-and-blood people that doesn’t exist in blogging. I don’t know if you remember when the founder of the Christian Carnival just disappeared. Pop. One day Dory was blogging. The next day, gone. Her stuff is still there but nobody’s home. I think about her a lot. And I get nervous when I don’t hear from some of the people I regularly interact with. Like my eccentric orthodox friend Esteban. ¿Dónde estás?

But on the other hand, I’m very nervous at the thought of meeting another blogger face to face. Online you can choose your words and also decide how much of yourself to reveal. For some of us that means a sweetened condensed version of the real thing. For others that means extra strength attitudes and opinions. The “real thing” I expect would be a bit dull in comparison.

By the way, other than people I already knew before blogging, I’ve only ever met in person one blogger: Wayne Leman. I met him and his wife at a small park in Albany. My kids were running around and screaming. And Wayne was making corny jokes. That’s something about Wayne that you don’t see on Better Bibles but more so on Facebook, by the way.

Even so, I am finding online relationships to be increasingly meaningful and constructive. You can’t dismiss the value of relationships simply because they’re not physically present in the same room. How often have you thought you knew a person that perhaps you worked with every day only to discover later that they had been hurting, or sinning, or just plain hiding a vital aspect of their being? Tangibility does not guarantee connectedness.

Blogging can sometimes be an inversion of the Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song, “Love The One You’re With.” They sang, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” Sometimes, our immediate surroundings can be boring or hostile and so blogging means “if you can’t love the ones you’re with, be with the ones you love.” Of course, most of us live in a more mixed environment which means we have to navigate between the two domains and practice keeping them in balance. I just had to walk away from writing this because I heard the kettle click and I went to make tea for my wife. And I also had a little chat with my son. Now while the tea is steeping I can finish my thought. Another example, last night I was pulled back and forth between following all the very amusing posts and comments on the Weird Worship meme and joining my family in the living room watching Mr. Bean’s Holiday. My family’s loud chortling finally shook me from the keyboard for good and soon my laughter was mingled with theirs.

I used to think that mobile devices would help me to spend less time in front of my desk and more time relating to the people around me. I eventually found that this isn’t the result. When you have basically the whole Internet available on your phone, you essentially become never fully present. If a conversation lags, or you feel the least bit bored, well, let’s check the Bloglines feeds and see if anyone is saying anything amusing. That’s bad news. Loser with a capital L. I ranted about this in my article The “I hate memes” meme. So, in all of this online social networking we need to maintain a balance. I’ve started to wean myself of blogging on Sundays. In fact, our whole family goes gadgetless on Sundays. No GameBoy for the kids. Or computers. Dad stays off the computer and phone. My son was having such terrible withdrawal symptoms that I found him on a Sunday afternoon spelling words upside-down with a calculator. It is nice to spend some time doing nothing. Connecting with our surroundings. Reading books or going for walks or fooling around in the garage.

Back to that CSNY song:

There’s a Rose
In a fisted Glove
And the eagle flies with the dove

While all the fisted glove stuff is fun, and I treasure the chance to fly with eagles on occasion, I hope that never becomes the whole blogging experience. What a pity if the rose were crushed by the glove. Memes are a chance to give someone a rose. Tagging is the equivalent of sending someone a valentine. And in all our blogging we need to balance being eagles and doves.

A beautiful and absurd scene in Mr. Bean’s Holiday is when he’s traveling with his two new friends, a young Russian boy and a lovely French actress. Neither of them realizes that Bean speaks English so they just talk to him in their own language. The viewer follows everything by subtitles. The boy looks at the lady and asks Bean in Russian, “Is she your girlfriend?” And the young lady motions toward the boy and says, “Is he your son? Are you married?” And Bean who can only focus on his quest to get to the sea, replies, “Oui, Cannes!” What he discovers of course in his quest is the reward of loving proximal relationships rather than the mumbling bumbling mental worlds that we sometimes inhabit. The movie ends with Mr. Bean surrounded by a huge crowd singing, “La Mer.” Choked me up, dang it.

So having said that let me make a few recommendations about what to do when you are subjected to a meme:

Lingamish Tips on Surviving Memes

• If someone tags you, write a post about it on your blog even if you don’t reply directly to the meme. They sent you a rose, don’t respond with a fisted glove.
• If someone doesn’t tag you but you like the meme, comment on the original meme and then write about the meme on your blog.
• If the meme bugs the heck out of you, rant about it on your blog.
• If someone incessantly tags you for idiotic memes, send them a note saying, “Less memes, please, because…”
• If you find yourself only flying with eagles, ask yourself why you are no longer a dove.

Note: This is an informational post for those who are new to the biblioblogger genre.

Why are Bible bloggers so rude to each other?!? Jim West just plopped his Baptist buns on the dunk tank seat and said, “Hit me!” He requested ideas for a change of name for his blog and the answers are just wicked. Depraved. Cruel. These are Christians, people! See Chris’ suggestions plus comments.

I was nice:

“Bet you can’t read just one”
“Zwingli, row your boat ashore”
“See, not all Baptists are nice”
“West of Edom”
“14-year old girl addicted to American Idol posing as grumpy old pastor”

And David Ker a self-professed Hyper-Psalmist writes the most horrendous things about perfectly weird wonderful worship.

Brits are the worst. They cuss and swear and probably flatulate in church (Sitting in the pyew). Check out just about anything written by Doug MegaCatholic or Chris Twinnings and you’re bound to find expletives in the name of the Lord.

I’m a small town boy, folks. I come from a very sheltered American village. And it’s just a bit of a shocker to see all these people calling themselves Christians. Either I need to draw the circle a bit larger or we’ve got some wolves in the sheep pen.

Though, some don’t believe it, hyperbole is the default discourse style in blogdom. So take everything divide it by two throw out the rest and if it makes you laugh link to it on your own blog.

Finally, forgive me for all the mad blogging today. I’m taking steroids to try to knock out the itchy allergy madness and it’s making me slightly schizo-aggressive. But Hilary just made oatmeal raisin cookies so the comfort food is expected to have a calming effect any minute now. Ahhh…

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I’ve published a few other things on the web in recent days (hours, minutes…) It’s not always easy to keep track of all these mood swings and brain spikes.

• Puzzling the Bible 1: First, in a string of photo-blog-puzzle-musings at Better Bibles.
• I am quite concerned about the use of th …: An increasingly interesting thread on defining our plot for world conquest at mobible.
• Hot For Teacher: JK asks a silly question and gets a naughty answer at Aristotle’s Feminist Subject.
• Photocopyrights: In a land where photocopiers are everywhere and Bibles are prized but scarce, why not release photocopy-ready masters “into the wild.”
• And of course, the most recent Cyber-Psalm.

As Steve Martin sings, “But the most amazing thing to me is… I get paid for doing this.”

Variation on a theme from Psalm 137

I stand by the Tigris and watch the dead
float past the city of Baghdad.
The home of the caliph al-Mansur surrounded by rubble,
tumbled like a broken promise.

I lift my hands to strike the harp.
Hands that struck a shoe against the fallen statue
are withered now and the harp of Ur is broken.

For what shall I sing? To whom?
Allahu akbar. Allahu akbar,
La ilaha illa Allah.

I remember thee, O Baghdad,
In the shadow of Kazimayn.
The streets were clean
but our hearts were in chains.

Leave us now. Our anger is dying.
The muezzin calls takbir and tahlil.
The children now play on the rocks.

Update 1: Doug at MetaCatholic is dashing babies at his place. PTL!

Update 2: I regret the wording “rather lukewarm reception” and have changed it in repentance. Forgive me, my friends.

Despite a somewhat slow start (see the comments as well) at its appearance, the Weird Worship meme is really getting some traction. You can see all the links to it in the comments of the post. But I want to call your attention especially to Eclexia’s response. This gal is a genius. And not a wimpy five little answers either. She gives us ten.

Here’s a teaser:

7. That’s Preposterous.

“The Happy Song” I’m sorry, but no amount of happiness is ever going to make me feel like I could dance a thousand miles. (Unless, of course, the Holy Spirit makes me do it, but then I’m back to concern #1–when the Holy Spirit takes over, does He make me into somebody else’s personality? Do I have to praise Him like an extravert just because I get filled with the Holy Spirit?)

After I read that my daughter and I had to do a hoedown shout-out version of this very goofy and very fun song.

Read the whole enchilada:  Eclexia - Weird Worship

I use co.mments.com but it is slightly dorky. I know I can track “My Comments” on WordPress but that doesn’t help me with the blighted blogs of… well, you know who.

Something quick and not too heavy on processing power (We’re dialing up through a cell phone here folks…)

Update: A few more links of interest

Responding last year to a meme about what I was doing 10, 20, and 30 years ago I wrote:

“10 years from now I hope to still have all my hair. 20 years from now I hope to still have all my teeth. And 30 years from now I hope to still have all my marbles.”

Well there are some people having milestones recently. And they seem to have a healthy amount of hair and teeth. I’m less sure about the marbles.

60

Tim Bulkeley has turned 60: My 60th birthday. Also mentioned by Jim West: Happy Birthday Tim Bulkeley! I’ve appreciated both these scholars who normally have their heads stuck in dusty old theological tomes for posting consistently about the tragic situation in Burma/Myanmar. Who says theologians are no earthly good?

Speaking of 60’s, I just got this in an email: “Today is Mom and Dad’s 68th wedding anniversary.” Imagine that!

40

I neglected to mention this at the time but I’ll do it now: Happy Anniversary to Bob and Diana who celebrated their 40th last month! Bob is one of the most fascinating Bible bloggers out there. High culture. Mystical pronouncements. The closest that Bible blogging gets to an art form. And all those rainbowsy Psalm charts. Inspiring!

20

Actually, 26. 26 explanations for why the chicken crossed the road: Why the chicken crossed the road - update at the Kruse Kronicle.

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken
wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure — right from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me…….

And 23 more…

0

0 is the number of Bible versions available in most languages of the world.

What is white? A long and colorful conversation on political correctness and the color of egret feathers.

And at Henry’s place: A nice roundup with a personal testimony: Lakeland Revival Notes

And several snarky, sublime and interesting replies (not necessarily in that order) to my Weird Worship meme: Peter, Nick, Jim. P&W is important to talk about love it or hate it because of its influence on Christian culture around the world. Last night I was playing music with a Zambian and two South Africans. All the songs they knew were P&W, Hillsong, etc. Full report to follow soon…

I was pleased to see several people blogging about orality: Judy Redman, Mark Goodacre, April DeConick (here and here) and Loren Rossen (HT: Judy). Are we really readers anymore? Most of the world interacts with information orally and aurally. Is this the dawn of the Bible of the Future? Or the death of the book. I’ve seen a number of posts on Iyov’s blog about the plurality of Bible versions and the possibility of building your own Bible. Rick Mansfield pondered this in the distant past. It seems he doesn’t blog any more. What a pity.

My Portuguese Bible has 1,400 pages in it, that’s 700 letter size pages. I bought my Bible for 200 meticais. I can make 200 photocopies for that amount. So, since versions of this Bible are not readily available I could just photocopy parts of it and create a custom Bible. Which books should I leave out?

I started on a blues song but ran out of steam:

The Bible Version Blues

Woke up this morning,
I was singing the blues.
So many Bibles
Which one to choose?

I got half a dozen versions,
A pink one for my wife too
Hear it on my iPod and…

Maybe you can finish it.

Normally you wouldn’t associate Christians with satire. After all they are the people who give us “the Gospel plain and simple.” And if you really pressed them they probably think you are going to burn in hell for eternity. So that tends to take an edge off the old sense of humor. I’m a Christian. And I frequently resort to satire in my efforts to proselytize the perishing and spur the saints. For example, in  Whoa to you who laugh I proved that Jesus is not funny and gave helpful hints on how to prevent laughter. Several people took this seriously:

Lingamish’s Tips on Eliminating Laughter from your Life

• When you think of something funny, instead try to think of something serious.
• If you find yourself tempted to read the comics, read the obituary instead.
• Make it a practice of reading theologically minded books and pondering their seriousness.
• Eliminate frivolous pursuits like movies containing comedy and instead engage in productive and edifying activities like woodworking and house-cleaning.
• When you encounter other people laughing, remind them of how much suffering there is in the world.
• Read this blog often. I plan to offer a lot more serious and edifying content from now on.

Well, the good news is that I have decided to give you a list of Five Sites that employ “Christian satire.” You can run right out and read them or put them on your “blogs to avoid” list depending on your temperament.

Five Sites For Christian Satire

1. Purgatorio

Grand-daddy of the saintly satirical photo-blogs. This blog went down for a full year when the blogger burned out. But I just found out that he has since started blogging again (HT: ThinkChristian). Read about what he did during his Summer vacation and check out the bear nativity set.

2. Ship Of Fools

Not just non-stop flapdoodle. The Mystery Worshipper series is having seismic sociological effects in how churches operate (“And please, God, we just want to ask you that, Lord, there might not be a mystery worshipper in our service this morning”).

3. Tominthebox News Network

Wicked, wicked satire with a holy calling. And it’s even on Blogspot. Impressive.

4. The Holy Observer

This is the ROTFL champ. King of the hill for snort-your-milk-through-your-nose headlines like Study: Small Group Hazing At All-Time High and Bible Smugglers Release 31,103 Scripture Duckies on Euphrates River and Asian American Pastor Speaks Only English And those are just from the most recent front page.

5. The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus

Not a satire site per se but a lot of great humour in the form of full-colour comic strips.