Apple users are cool and you’re not

Update 1: Thanks to Jay for the very cool graphic (above). And thanks to James for the link to Charlie Brooker’s I hate Macs article.

Update 2: Jim sings along. Doug feels the power of the dark side.

Apple users are cool because they tell you they’re cool

And they have to tell you this a lot. In fact, like Calvinists and Subaru owners they never miss out on an opportunity to point out how superior they are. This always makes me feel just great. I don’t own a Mac. Or a PowerBook. Or an iBook. Or whatever the latest Apple fashion is called. The last Apple I owned was an Apple IIe back in 1981. Back then, in junior high I tried really hard to be cool. Unfortunately, Apple owners are middle-schoolers that never grew up. They’re still trying to be a little bit cooler than you because of the clothes they wear and the fancy notebook that Mommy bought them for the first day of class.

Apple users are cool because they spend a lot of money for what you get for free.

This is what I call the American Express syndrome. I really wanted one of those American Express cards when I was in college. In fact, I paid something like $50 per year so that I could have one. Then my Dad saw me flashing it around and said, “Why are you paying extra for something that everyone else gets for free?” My Dad is such a cheapskate. But now that I’m older and wiser I see that he’s right. Just get a free VISA card like everyone else and pay off the balance every month. If you pay all that extra money for an Apple, at the end of the day all you end up with is a computer plus a lot less money in your pocket.

Apple users are cool because they are artistic and creative

That’s a nice idea, but when I want to be artistic and creative I pick up a guitar or some paint brushes. Computers are little boxes for managing information and should ideally be as unobtrusive as possible. If I’m sitting next to an Apple user at a workshop I am continually distracted by the bells and whistles. When I want to use the calculator, I open up the calculator. But when an Apple user launches the calculator it pops up on their screen like a challenge level in Donkey Kong. It swirls in. It flies around the screen. Wheeee!

Even when they’re trying to be creative, Apple people have to do it inside of Steve Jobs’ grid. That’s why the vast majority of the songs produced on Garage Band are recorded at 120 bpm. And they all sound alike because they use the same loops over and over. Creative!

Apple users are cool because they can accessorize

You can have an iPod. And an iPhone. And iTunes. And if you wear jeans and have messy hair and funny glasses you’re just about set. This is not about computers. This is about Hello Kitty. Apple is like Hello Kitty for the information age. You can accessorize right down to your pencil case and earrings. But what they don’t tell you is that they also had to spend a bunch of money for a program that allows Windows to run on their Apple for those spare moments when they need to get some work done. Hmmm.

Apple users are cool because Apples never break down.

This is a mass delusion. Apple computers burp just as much as PCs. And they have service issues just as often. But the difference is, Apple owners have to keep it secret. When my computer freezes up, I say rude things about Bill Gates so that everyone can hear me. When an Apple freezes up, everyone covers it up like the family secret of Granny’s excessive fondness for vanilla extract.

Here in Africa if your Windows-based computer dies you toss it in garbage and get a new one. If an Apple dies, you have to send it to California and then spend six months with this mournful look on your face because you’re forced to use Windows like everyone else. But you can’t gripe about your Apple breaking down because Apples never break down.